Life through the Eyes of a Midwest Refugee

I'M MOVING TO tumblr

2010-06-01T16:54:00.000-07:00

HI PEOPLE.

I'VE MOVED TO TUMBLR.

Please come read my uber-hilarious ~~WISCO~~ Midwest blog at http://www.MidwesternRefugee.tumblr.com

(See? It's like the same web address, but instead of the blogspot part, you type tumblr. Take Advil for any headaches, Midol for cramps.)

I'll keep updating on Facebook and Twitter as per usual - don't be alarmed. Just giving myself a much-needed upgrade to the world of Tumblr.

"Movin' on up...to the East Side...to a deluxe apartment in the skyyyyyyyy..."

Deer gets kicked out of Wisc. bar during game 7 of playoffs

2010-05-05T11:17:00.000-07:00

Oh. My. God.

Just more evidence of 2012.

After the jump, you can see a meathead try and wrestle one of these bad boys to the ground inside the restaurant. Yeah.

Now check this badass out - only a Wisconsinite (or anyone of Eastern European descent, I suppose) would attempt to wrestle a live deer to the ground.

I really hope he got laid later on that evening. The dude, not the deer.

Now check this out down below here - they're taking the deer outside.

But at the very end, following the guys outside is a skinny little girl carrying a shotgun. Swear to god.

Did you see her?? Right at the very end, she's following with a huge gun. Because what else do you want inside a whiskey-dispensary besides what appears to be a loaded shotgun in the hands of random, likely drunk, patrons?

Is that really necessary? I mean, is she going to take it out back and put it out of its misery?

Did the deer steal cash out of the register while it was in there? Or maybe the deer grew opposable thumbs and stole a bottle of booze from behind the bar?

Was this a citizen's arrest? Did the townspeople of Menominee follow shortly thereafter in mob formation with torches and a noose?

Wait - I know. Stay with me here on this one: The deer just wanted a few beers to drown its sorrows. I mean, the Bucks are about to lose game 7 of the playoffs to end their season. I'm assuming that's what the rest of the folks in there were doing in there anyway - drowning their sorrows.

So the deer go inside, have a few too many beers - maybe a little whiskey, who knows? - and start hurling anti-hawk slurs at the Atlanta players on TV. Deer can be quite hawkist when alcohol comes into the equation.

This starts to alarm the other patrons. Because, although none of the other fans in the bar want the Hawks to win, they're also not especially interested in hearing such ugly language used against a hawk, or any animal group for that matter.

So after a few warnings from the bartender and restaurant management to keep their voices down and their opinions to themselves, the deer are finally asked to leave the property.

Unfortunately, they don't want to leave. And that's about the time where you see those burly men in the video followed by arms-bearing little girls kicking the deer out on the curb.

Like many of my hard-drinkin' ~~alcoholic~~ Wisco buddies who have been banished from various watering holes throughout southeastern Wisconsin, I think it's safe to say that those two deer are not welcome back to that specific bar anymore.

Until next season, at least.

Bango still kicks ass

2010-04-29T14:00:00.000-07:00

FEAR the DEER

2010-04-28T12:45:00.000-07:00

We love Bango because he's got the biggest balls of all the mascots.

Hey everyone, get a load of this douchebag!

2010-04-08T12:51:00.000-07:00

Wisconsin Rapids - Wisconsin Rapids police and firefighters were called late last month to help a 20-year-old man (if he can really be called that anymore after these shenanigans) who was stuck in a laundry chute after taking a dare. From a group of little children in the house.

More after the jump...

That's right, you heard me. This guy got stuck in a laundry chute because he had something to prove. To some fucking kids. He's twenty years old, but he couldn't just let a little kid's dare go unchallenged?!

Too much pride at stake, I'm sure.

I bet it was a double dog dare. You can't turn those down, you know. Too much pride at stake.

When emergency crews arrived on the scene, they found this smarty pants' legs dangling from the chute in the basement. His chest was wedged in the chute, with his arms above his head.

So they busted out laughing hysterically and immediately called all their friends and instructed them to bring cameras and six packs, on the double.

No, I'm kidding. They did the right thing.

"I've been here over 30 years and that's my first laundry chute guy getting stuck," said Wisconsin Rapids senior patrol officer Roy Woyak.

The family had tried to pull him out of the chute for about 10 minutes, then called 911 when the man started having trouble breathing. Of course he had trouble breathing! He's a Wisconsinite! I'm guessing he was packing between 200 - 250 pounds of water weight, depending on the time of year. What do you think this is, Venice Beach? Fatty was probably just struggling to keep down his last Polish sausage from before the dare.

Woyak and a fireman each grabbed one of the man's legs and held him up to ease the pulling on his ~~man-boobs~~ chest. Firefighters on the first floor tried to pull the man up, but couldn't get him out. Woyak could hear the man struggling to breathe.

Eventually, they had to bring out the saw and cut him loose.

Wow.

I just don't know how they managed to keep straight faces through the whole thing. Because that shit is HILARIOUS.

Hello, Milwaukee! Channel 12 loves you.

2010-04-08T12:22:00.000-07:00

Holy schneikies.

This is AMAZING.

On so many levels.

More videos after the jump.

Wait a minute...are they trying to convince us that people actually used to catch FISH out of the Lake??

As though the original series of Deadliest Catch was filmed on the unforgiving waters of Lake Michigan...except it was titled "Deadliest bout of E-Coli" or something.

Beer Nutz: MILWAUKEE

2010-04-08T11:16:00.000-07:00

I could sit around and listen to Milwaukeeans talk about beer ALL DAY LONG.

I miss the Wisco accent.

Wisconsin funnyman Jeff Cesario on J-Lo's ass

2010-04-08T10:41:00.000-07:00

Comedy Central Presents

Friday 10pm / 9c

Jeff Cesario: Wisconsin Butt

www.comedycentral.com

Joke of the Day

Stand-Up Comedy

Free Online Games

Wisconsin makes Comedy Central's The Daily Show!

2010-04-08T10:39:00.000-07:00

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

Pope Opera

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show Full Episodes

Political Humor

Health Care Reform

...for an embarrassing Catholic Church child molestation scandal.

Oh wait, I'm sorry.

I forgot to mention a few details:

This man of the cloth, this so-called holy man molested little deaf boys.

200 of them.

For over twenty years.

Our current Pope was, at the time, the guy who was supposed to deal with sexual abuse trials. And he ignored Milwaukee's then-Archbishop Rembert Weakland's requests that Murphy be put to trial.

And now he's the Pope.

Romantic, isn't it?

Packer Fan Announces He Will Return To Drinking For Another Season

2010-02-02T11:35:00.000-08:00

Packers Fan Announces He Will Return To Drinking For Another Season

Source: TheOnion.com

You call THAT a career, Kurt Warner?

2010-01-29T16:14:00.000-08:00

I don't know what it is about me, you guys.

Don't get me wrong. I'm still on the anti-Favre train. I promise. I'd never let you down like that.

But when I see that Arizona Cardinals' 38 year old quarterback Kurt Warner has retired, for some reason all I can think to myself is, Oh you played for 12 years did ya? And they're calling that a 'storybook career'? Pffft. Rookie.

Because, oddly enough, Favre is still the quarterback I measure all other quarterbacks against. And in that sense, it's still one big competition in my mind.

And so, if you're a quarterback who hasn't started like every single game for 31 seasons straight (or whatever Favre's streak is - it's something around there, right?), you're a fucking amateur in my mind, to borrow a phrase.

Weird how deep our roots run, dontcha think?

New awesomeness from WiSKULLSiN

2010-01-29T10:56:00.000-08:00

Well, people, the boys from WiSKULLSiN have done it again.

This one's called Good Times, Great Lakes. I can't seem to figure out why.

Let's consult their hilarious website for answers:

When being from the North Central, one can only think of having certain kinds of times around certain kinds of lakes. "What kinds of times?" you ask. "What kinds of lakes?" you ask.

Ha! Those guys. (Also comes in boys versions.)

Order shirts here.

Then there's this one here, which is brand spanking new:

They call this one the Beer Maker for the Ladies.

I don't think they make a little boys' version yet, sorry fellas.Update: Apparently I am infallible. There is a boy version of this sick shirt for purchase. Click here to view the hot & steamy photo shoot showcasing the wonderment that is this t-shirt. (People at Wiskullsin - I wear a men's size M tee, and have no problem asking you flat out on my blog for free clothing. None whatsoever.)

The only caption on the website I could garner says, "Oh Milwaukee, we love you so hard."

I think that's because they're so hardcore.

ORDER SHIRTS HERE!

Prince's Viking fight song

2010-01-29T10:29:00.000-08:00

I wish I was making this up.

Prince wrote a "fight" song for the Vikings.

Shyaaah! And monkeys fly out of my butt!

(Lyrics after the jump.)

Purple and Gold Lyrics
the veil of the sky draws open
the roar of the chariots touch down
we r the ones who have now come again
and walk upon water like solid ground
as we approach the throne we won't bow down
this time we won't b denied
raise every voice and let it b known
in the name of the purple and gold
we come in the name of the purple and gold
all of the odds r in r favor
no prediction 2 bold
we r the truth if the truth can b told
long reign the purple and gold
the eyes say ready 4 battle
no need 4 sword in hand
we r all amped up like a rock n roll band
ready 2 celebrate every score
ready 2 fight the elegant war
ready 2 hear the crowd roar
that's what we came 4
and so much more
in the name of the purple and gold

r spirits may b tired
r bodies may b worn
but since this day is r destiny

A JOKE: Why do the Vikings eat cereal off a plate?

2010-01-25T13:37:00.000-08:00

Why do the Vikings eat cereal off of a plate?

Because every time they get close to a BOWL, they choke!

Mwaaa-hahahahaha!

Dear Jared Allen, You Still Suck

2010-01-25T13:24:00.000-08:00

Love,

Wisconsin

You Might Be From Wisconsin If...

2010-01-25T12:58:00.000-08:00

This morning was the happiest Monday you've had in a long LOOOOONG while...

You Might Be From Wisconsin If...

2009-12-23T14:22:00.000-08:00

You let your older siblings talk you into putting your tongue on a steel post in the middle of winter.

The clip of Ralphie getting his tongue stuck to the pole from Christmas Story is after the jump.

McCarthy: 'Zero interest' in bringing in a new kicker

2009-12-23T12:02:00.000-08:00

Says Packer coach Mike McCarthy, "Mason Crosby's our kicker. He will be our kicker going forward. Zero interest in bringing in a kicker." He's a very talented kicker. Has some technical things he'll clean up. Jeremy Kapinos will remain the holder."

If the way Mike McCarthy handles this Mason Crosby Can't Kick a Field Goal To Save His Life Situation is in any way similar to the way he speaks about how he's going to handle it, it'll be taken care of in a vague, lackadaisical type of way, no doubt.

Continue through the jump for more gems from McCarthy on his Three Step Plan to coach Crosby back (and some sarcastic remarks from yours truly thrown in for good measure).

All quotes are from Mike McCarthy as printed online in the Green Bay Press Gazette.

Step One to Coach McCarthy's ingenious plan is FINDING THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM:

"[Crosby's] confidence probably took a shot."

Oh did it? You think his confidence probably took a little shot there do ya coach? YA think??

With the majority of Green Bay football fans, and University of Colorado (my Alma mater) football fans for that matter, demanding Mason Crosby be crucified at Titletown, I'd imagine he's probably feeling slightly insecure when he heads out on the field.

I mean, the guy's played consistently and faithfully for the Pack for how many years now? And he has one rough patch and we all damn him to hell without a second thought.

"Brett who?! FUCK MASON CROSBY!!!!!"

But in all honesty, put yourself in Crosby's head. After arguably costing the Packers a few games lately, I'd imagine it gets just a little daunting to go out there week after grueling week, fearing in your heart that you're just going to keep disappointing your family, friends, team, coach, and whatever fans you hopefully still have left.

Now that's brutal.

I can only hope he can lie down at night without curling up into the fetal position and crying himself to sleep in shame like a little girl on his first period.

Because if it were me who had to step out there, in front of 100,000 screaming, drunken fans dressed up in face paint and crazy fan gear like that, I might be second guessing myself just a bit, too, ya know. But I guess one can never be totally sure...I mean, he is a professional and all.

So yes, I'd assume that you're correct, Coach McCarthy. Your kicker Mason Crosby is probably feeling a little under-confident right now due to the vast amount of pressure he's under. And it's all of our jobs to keep him from going all Ray Finkle on us.

Now that we've identified the root of the problem, we've got to figure out what to do, right Coach? Right.

So Step Two in Coach McCarthy's brilliantly-worded plan for Crosby's comeback is ISOLATING THE PROBLEM:

"He must do a better job making key field goals."

Thanks, ~~Captain~~ Coach Obvious, I wasn't sure what, exactly, Mason Crosby, the Field Goal Kicker for the Green Bay Packers, was doing wrong out there. But now I'm starting to understand. Let's try to understand together, shall we?

In fact, let's go over his job description together.

JOB DESCRIPTION, NFL FIELD GOAL KICKER: (1) Kick field goals to score points for your team. In other words, kick the football as far as you possibly can, and make sure it goes between those two really tall poles at the end of the field. Make sure you're facing the correct direction, though, so as to score points for your team, and not the opposing team.

There, now we're all up to speed.

OK, so did you hear that Crosby? Because that was some impeccable coaching right there. Something we all can learn from.

Problem identified..

Now that we've found the root of the problem and isolated the problem, all we have to do is start winning games, right? WRONG! These things take planning and details, people! And mere mortals like you and I cannot comprehend the reasoning behind the decision-making of godlike coaches such as Mike McCarthy..

And so, Mike "Git-R-Done" McCarthy delves in to Step Three of his detailed plan for Crosby:

"He needs to kick that ball through the upright there."

Ohhhh, that upright? There??

Problem solved.

(Insert over the top eye-roll here)

McCarthy and the team "fully anticipate" that Crosby will fix this and move past it.

And why shouldn't they.

With brains like these behind the organization, the field goals should really just kick themselves.

WiSKULLSiN grew a mustache

2009-12-21T14:33:00.000-08:00

Just when you thought you couldn't get any hipster-ier, the guys over at WiSKULLSiN came up with a new version of their hit logo shirt for the Milwaukee Area Mustache Association, or M.A.M.A.

Don't try to Google it, you won't find anything. They are a covert operation, very secretive.

If you want in, I'd say your best bet is to grow a mustache first and then get the shirt!

There are other great uses for the shirt. Like covering up your body when going into an establishment that has "health codes." (Lame, I know.) You could also use it to blow your nose or something, but why use the shirt to blow your nose when you could use a perfectly good $20 bill.

Alternatively, you could use the shirt to impress that hot hipster chick you met last weekend at that independent film screening in, oh fuck it let's say Brooklyn. You know, the place with all the hipsters in skinny jeans and neon American Apparel accessories with their fixed gear bikes and mustaches and shoulder bags and ironic tattoos and boxy glasses and big vocabulary words and kitschy dive bars full of other hipsters? Yeah, that place.

If you want to impress her and show her all about who YOU are without saying anything at all, but you don't know how, get the shirt!!

Or, if you just want to show the world that you're a Mexican mama's boy from Wisconsin who likes skulls, GET THE SHIRT!!!!!

Yeah, whatever, fuck it. I"m gonna go listen to some MGMT and play with my mustache.

Wisco snowperson both functional and adorable!

2009-12-21T12:26:00.000-08:00

Yeah that's right, I said snowPERSON. Because I'm not gender-biased.

Besides, what exactly about these three lumps of snow stacked one on top of another screams snowMAN to you anyway? Nothing.

Do you see a snowPENIS? Or snowCHEST HAIR? How about a snowADAM'S APPLE? Is it playing snowMADDEN FOR XBOX360? Is it showing signs of PATTERNsnowMALE BALDNESS???

Exactly. SnowPERSON it is. We're living in modern times now. Gotta get with the program ya know?

Anyway, thanks to blog fan Samantha P. of, you guessed it, Wisconsin for emailing me this adorable photo of her snowperson from the last big snowfall.

As you can see, not only is her snowperson totally smiley and awesome, it also serves an extremely important purpose: KEEPING BEER COLD!

Genius, Samantha, pure genius.

Which brings me to my thought of the day...

I honestly have no idea what people from those supposed year-round warm climates do during the winter months to keep all of their food cold! (To be real, I'm still not completely positive that these areas even exist, to tell you the truth. Warm all year round?? I don't know if that's a thing. Next you'll probably try to tell me that, like, Narnia's a real place. Or Oklahoma or something! Don't believe everything you hear on Broadway.)

Anyway, in Wisconsin, if you run out of room in your fridge or freezer, the weather outdoors can serve as your seasonal cold food storage unit.

Any of the following makeshift devices can be used to your advantage during the winter in the Midwest:

The trunk of a car that is parked outdoors
A non-heated enclosed porch
A back patio
Gazebo
A cooler or other covered container sitting out in the snow
Or, apparently in Samantha's case, a snowperson

My house growing up was no exception!

I can't begin to explain to you how stocked the enclosed non-heated non-insulated back porch of my parent's house was while I was growing up. It was FREEZING cold out there! As in, put shoes and a coat on, see your breath, freeze your wet hair-cold.

We'd have sausage hanging back there, soda and beer piled high, ice cream, accidental icicles, frozen bodies of family members who had gone in last winter and never returned...

And when company was going to come over for, say, Christmas dinner or something, and my mom had to cook in advance, the entire room had platters everywhere, keeping the prepared food cool and fresh for when everyone arrived.

The back porch no longer was an exit to the back yard for kiddie winter playtime - it was now a walk-in cooler and we were no longer allowed to exit to the back yard through the back door for fear of dripping our boot-snow all over the Christmas food. Mom learned that one the hard way early on. But I digress.

In considering the non-Midwesterners, I would have to guess that people in those supposed warmer climates don't really need to stock up for the winter as much as we did for the Wisconsin winter.

What do you have to stock up for for a Southern Californian winter anyway? If they run out of Hawaiian Tropic, or boob jobs, or strawberry-flavored cocaine, or whatever the hell it is that people in Southern California run out of, they can just take a leisurely barefoot stroll in their bikinis to the Ralph's (yeah I've been to "SoCal" before, nbd) to get some more without a second thought to any of the following:

Weather conditions
Blow-drying wet hair so it doesn't freeze
Layering clothes
Winter outerwear and boots
Warming up the car, even if you're only driving a mile
Scraping windshields
Road conditions
The other inferior drivers and their ill-equipped cars, compared to yours
Coming home and laying out all outerwear and boots to dry somewhere
Warming up indoors for a good half hour before you feel like you can do anything of substance again

That's probably why they don't need to stock up every time they go to the grocery store in winter in Florida.

"Honey, we're out of those exotic fruits that are available to us all year round," is probably what they say to each other.

Or, "I think I'd like to go to the beach and get a suntan since I live in this beautiful climate that gets over 680 days of sunlight a year," and then they just hop into their Intergalactic Convertible Hovercrafts powered by a hybrid of the gas from free-range organic grass-fed vegetarian third-world children, hemp seed oil, and recycled electricity from Chinese ~~asbestos~~ toy companies, and zoom away to Never Never Land with their pet wildebeests.

No big deal. Not for those people. No need to stock up on antifreeze, frozen fruit, titties, and white powders to get you through the winter like us Wisconsinites.

So my point is...my point is, stock up for winter?

No, that's not it.

It's cold in Wisconsin?

No. Well, yes that's correct. But not my point.

People in Southern California have wildebeests as pets?

Wait...what??

Oh! My point is, Samantha sent me a kick-ass photo of her Snowperson and that's awesome.

So, Merry Christmas and have a happy New Year everyone! Be safe and have fun.

Hey everyone: GET A LOAD OF THIS DOUCHEBAG!

2009-12-21T11:26:00.000-08:00

That's about all I have to say.

I'm sure his parents are proud.

REAL MUSIC VIDEO: 'Where the Hell is Neenah?'

2009-12-15T10:49:00.000-08:00

This is an actual music video by the group Cheeseheads with Attitude, or CWA. It's entitled Where the Hell is Neenah? As in, Neenah, WI. (Unfortunately, I had to include the video(s) after the jump. Scroll down and click on to Read More. Trust me, it's worth it.)

To borrow a phrase from the always hilarious Dave Barry, I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP.

I've got here what it says about the video on their youtube page; the information is slightly disjointed and frankly, I'm having a tough time not editing the content. It's really testing my OCD.

But I'm leaving it in tact, so you can read it in its entirety because, honestly, I can't tell if it's a joke or not. I'm starting to think it's not.

This hit song is from the bands debut Straight Outta Wisconsin released in November 1996 on Cheezee Records. [Cheeze Records?! Are they fucking joking. Cheeze??? Yikes.] This video was shot in and around the Fox Valley in sub-zero temperatures during December 1996.

The song was a #1 request on WIXX in Green Bay for 8 straight weeks. [This, I believe.] CWA became local super stars getting major coverage on all regional and state TV networks, and appearing at Bars, Schools, Malls [Haha, malls. Insert Mallrats joke HERE.], Comedy Clubs, Tailgate Parties and yes even Bowling Alleys [what they meant to say was, 'and of course, bowling alleys!' Bowling alleys are our bread and butter!]. The CD was out-selling Garth Brooks and the Spice Girls in major chain stores like WalMart, Fleet Farm [Fleet Farm? Congratulations.] and Musicland.

The band also appeared on Game Day each and every Sunday during the Packers play off run in January 1997 at the Convention Center across from Lambeau Field. The hall was jam packed with 5,000+ Cheeseheads that couldn't get into the sold out stadium. The Packers won the Super Bowl the following month.

Produced and Directed by: CWA and Shawn Card. Edited by: Shawn Card for Ace Card Entertainment. To buy CWA CDs or the CWA Home Video please visit www.TuffCds.com or for more info e-mail info@tuffcds.com.

View video for Where the Hell is Neenah? and more videos by CWA after the jump...

WHERE THE HELL IS NEENAH?

THE PACK IS BACK

P-A-C-K

NO SLEEP WISCONSIN

(I'M A) CHEESEHEAD BABY

You Might Be from Wisconsin If...

2009-12-14T15:49:00.000-08:00

You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

Wausau county seventh graders dissect actual deer

2009-12-14T14:01:00.000-08:00

EVANSVILLE — Young hunters who attend McKenna Middle School — and other seventh-graders who might glimpse a deer standing in a field — may never again look at the animals in the same way.

That’s because they recently viewed the dissection of a dead deer to culminate a deer/ecology unit in seventh-grade science at the Evansville middle school.

Youth learn to ~~butcher~~ dissect deer at Evanstown middle school

“It was exciting because I don’t really get to see the organs when I’m out deer hunting,” said seventh-grader Alex Shoemaker, who bagged a buck and a doe during this year’s hunting season.

But not everyone was captivated by the sight and smell of a deer being cut open.

“Two of my friends left. They thought it was disgusting,” said seventh-grader Emily Yoerger.

Overall, Hugh Curtis, retired director of outdoor education for the Wausau School Forest, a nature area run by the Wausau School District, had the attention of students during the deer necropsy.

Seventh-grade science teacher Bruce Curtis, Hugh Curtis’ son, has been scheduling the activity for about 10 years. He gives students an opportunity to pass if they think they’ll get queasy, but typically only a few students opt out each year.

He said it seems natural to study deer since they are a big part of the culture in Wisconsin, even for those who don’t hunt. He has been surprised by how little students know about the state’s official wild animal.

In addition, he figures it may be the only opportunity for many students to see organs similar to those of humans.

Some students wore coats because windows were open to reduce the smell from the recent road kill. But Bruce Curtis said the odor is part of the learning. He said that after five minutes, people get somewhat used to the smell, and when he asked his students if they found that true, most of them raised their hands in approval.

“It’s an ad lib project because when you open up that animal, you never know what you’re are going to find,” Hugh Curtis said in an interview.

Bruce Curtis said his deer/ecology unit includes discussion of animal rights and the views of groups ranging from the National Rifle Association to the National Wildlife Federation. Other teachers at McKenna get involved to create a whole day of related curriculum.

from the Wisconsin State Journal

It's a bird! It's a plane! It's...a can of Milwaukee's Best?

2009-12-14T13:53:00.000-08:00

A 21 year-old Madison woman and her boyfriend were crossing the street when she was suddenly struck in the head by what they initially believed was a snowball.

It turned out to be something much more delicious.

PS - Does anybody else find it hilarious in this picture above that it says Milwaukee's "Best" and the best is in quotation marks? As though it's all an elaborate joke we've been playing on everyone anyway?

Haha, yeah, this is our "best" beer everyone. Go ahead, drink up. Mmm, our "best" beer sure is good. Yuk yuk yuk.

You know you're in Wisconsin when cans of beer are falling from the sky.

"Her boyfriend thought someone had tossed a snowball but quickly discovered it was a full can of Milwaukee's Best beer that had collided with her head," said police spokesman Joel DeSpain.

The can of beer split open when it hit the ground.

"It could not be determined where the can of beer came from," DeSpain said. "It appeared to have come from above and may have been dropped or thrown from a nearby building."

Best X-mas decorations ever!

2009-12-11T16:35:00.000-08:00

I just got this as an email, and I find it hilarious.

Not sure of the origins, but if you want the "back story" from the email, you can find it after the jump.

"Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations. The bad news is that I had to take him down after 2 days. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever.Great stories. But two things made me take it down.

First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by.

Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn't realize it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). By the way, she was one of many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn't take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard."

SPORTS NEWS: Bucks the lowest valued team in NBA

2009-12-11T14:59:00.000-08:00

Forbes magazine reports that the Milwaukee Bucks are valued at $254 million, the least-valued team in the30-team National Basketball Association.

Sad.

I didn't realize things were getting that bad.

ATTENTION: Lambeau in need of shovelers

2009-12-11T14:51:00.000-08:00

Because apparently it looks like this.

And we got a game coming up, people! We gotta represent!

Interested shovelers - the Packers say they'll need about 300 - are asked to report to the Mills Fleet Farm Gate on Lambeau Field's west side, beginning at 9 a.m. Saturday and throughout the day.

Shovelers need to be at least 15 years old and will receive $8 per hour. Shovels will be provided.

The Packers' next home game is against the Seattle Seahawks on Dec. 27.

Dude, fuck the Seahawks! Let's go Packers! And let's go Packer Backers...shovel that snow!!!!

IN THE NEWS: Milw. cop arrested by coworkers in cocaine bust

2009-12-11T14:47:00.000-08:00

It seems as though this Christmas, 22-year veteran of the Milwaukee Police Department Lt. Keith Eccher's name will more than likely be appearing on Santa's naughty list.

According to the criminal complaint:

Shortly before midnight on May 3, Sgt. Timothy Leitzke was patrolling near 31st and Lloyd streets and approached a hooded man, who ran. Leitzke chased the suspect through yards and over a fence, capturing him.

"Upon apprehending the male, Sergeant Leitzke immediately recognized him to be Lt. Keith Eccher of the Milwaukee Police Department," the complaint says.

A detective interviewed a woman named Sicily Lawson, who said she had smoked crack with Eccher in his car earlier that night and that she had smoked with him in the past. Police found a plastic bag with cocaine residue in Eccher's car.

Eccher, who was off-duty at the time of the arrest, was suspended following the arrest. Eccher resigned a day later.

Deputy District Attorney Kent Lovern, who is prosecuting the case, said the delay in charging was because it remained under investigation.

MONTAGE!!!! for Go West Happy Cow movie

2009-12-11T13:25:00.000-08:00

"The happiest cow in California is from Wisconsin."

Amen, brothers & sisters, AMEN to that!

For those of you who have had the pleasure of seeing a California dairy ad in the past few years, you'll know that there's a bullshit slogan they try to plug here to assure people on the West Coast that the dairy in California is at par with the dairy from an unnamed Midwestern state.

Fortunately, we're not talking dairy today, my friends. Today we're talking movies and we're talking in code.

Today, "Happy Cow" is code in the movie Go West Happy Cow for a specific type of beer that, if you are from Wisconsin, you know it well. If you're from Wisconsin and don't know what I'm talking about, either you ~~suck~~ don't drink, or are nine years old.

OK here are a couple of hints to help you out:

This beer is delicious and practically perfect in every way.

There. You should already know the answer. Game over.

OK fine, a few more hints:

This beer has a green and white label.
This beer is brewed and (legally) sold only in the state of Wisconsin.

Have you guessed it yet? For those of you who have, go ahead to the fridge and grab yourself a Happy Cow and celebrate. You've done a great job today. You've earned it.

For the rest of you...Really???? Sighhhhh...OK more hints for the people who can't drink or have any fun due to their religious practices or something else I can't make fun of:

This beer is from a brewery in a small town that rhymes with Jew Plarus.
This beer's name actually has the word "cow" in it.
The name of this beer rhymes with the words Blotted Pow.

If you don't know the beer name by now, you better ask somebody.

ANY-who...

So this Happy Cow beer, a beer that is not available to poor saps like me who live outside of Wisconsin, is the concept of the movie.

These guys from Sheboygan who made the film decided to get together and bring the Happy Cow beer on a road trip through the western United States until they hit the coast in LA, all the while spreading the Wisco love and pride to the people they encountered along the way.

It looks like a funny look into Midwestern culture - a film that truly encompasses the feeling of being a Midwestern Refugee in the Western United States. So watch this Montage Clip above and see what the buzz is all about!

Also, Montages are great - so tune in and relax for a fun-filled Happy Cow celebration of Wisco Pride like you've seen it many many times before: On the road, drinking beers, laughing and converting the undecided. The only difference is this time, it's in a cow suit.

Green Bay apparently cold, polluted

2009-12-11T12:42:00.000-08:00

Maybe Ray Rice from the Ravens was right about the town of Green Bay after all.

Either that, or this video just makes it look hecka shitty. (Yes, that's an actual colloquialism from Northern California. Kids who aren't allowed to say the swear word "hell" and therefore are not allowed to say "hella" this and "hella" that, say "hecka" instead. True story.)

PS: I love the reggae X-mas music in the background accompanied by the Wisco radio personality. It really makes the whole video worth it in the end.

Vikings Peterson & Berrian love SPEED

2009-12-09T17:30:00.000-08:00

In fact, both Adrian Peterson and wide receiver Bernard Berrian both had to deal with the long arm of the law within the past couple of weeks for satisfying their intense need for speed.

More information on these two lawbreakers after the jump...

I bet you thought I was talking about drugs!

Gotcha!

These two weren't ticketed for DRUGS (that I know of) - they were each cited separately for driving over 100 mph!

In Peterson's case, a tape of his traffic stop shows the speedy running back might not have been watching the speedometer closely.

Peterson expressed disbelief to the officer that his BMW was clocked at 109 mph.

"How fast you think you were going?" an Edina police officer asked after stopping him on Crosstown Hwy. 62.

When Peterson replied, "85," the officer replied, "You think you were 30 over the limit? I got you going 109."

But Adrian Peterson wasn't the only Minnesota Vikings player caught by authorities speeding recently.

The State Patrol also confirmed that wide receiver Bernard Berrian was cited for driving 104 mph in a 60 mph zone on southbound I-694 in Oakdale, MN.

If I had to analyze this, I'd have to say my best guess would be that Peterson and Berrian were speeding TO THE BORDER.

I can only assume that they probably just wanted to get the fuck out of Minnesota ASAP, and I don't blame them. Poor bastards - it's freezing outside! I wouldn't want to be holed up there this winter, either.

Talk about cabin fever!

DUDE whatever, Ray Rice

2009-12-08T16:19:00.000-08:00

"Everything about this place is terrible, to be honest with you," said Ray Rice about Lambeau Field last night like a whiny little girl.

"To be honest with you, it was just Lambeau Field," he said. "I didn't see anything special. They put us in the middle of nowhere and it's not a real exciting place."

No shit buddy. It's Green Bay...the Packer Game on Monday Night Football is the excitement.

And what a gross overstatement. Everything about Green Bay is terrible, Ray? Really? Everything?? Terrible???

Compared to what...Baltimore?
Packers beat Ravens at Lambeau, Ray Rice whines like a little bitch

It's small-town Wisconsin, what did you expect? Night clubs? Hookers? Blow? Well, let me tell you that The Wire was NOT written about Green Bay for a reason. Settle down, Ray. Get some rest.

But honestly, Ray, you think that Green Bay is terrible compared to what...the cultural epicenter of the United States that is Baltimore, Maryland?

Ha.

Baltimore isn't exactly the capital of the Awesometown, Ray.

In fact, I'm pretty sure Baltimore sucks. At least, that's what HBO taught me. And I don't see why HBO would ever lie to me about anything. It's not like it's TV or something.

In fact, I think I even read somewhere that Baltimore is now tied with Newark, NJ and Gary, IN for biggest shit-stain on the U.S. map, so watch your mouth please when referring to the state of Wisconsin.

Ray Rice: Quit your bitching.

Who knew that big bad Baltimore NFL players could be such whiny little crybabies? Geez.

She thinks my tractor's sexy

2009-12-08T10:42:00.000-08:00

ATTENTION ALL HILLBILLIES AND FARMHANDS!

Do you have a farm? Does it need tractoring? Well, if you have kids age 12+ we've got just the intense, heavy-machinery, certified training for you!

More on how to create a true blue Wisconsin hick out of your child after the jump...

Tractor safety course offered

According to today's Beaver Dam Daily Citizen (haha, Beaver), youth 12 and older who plan to work on a farm are encouraged to sign up for the 2010 Dodge County Youth Tractor and Machinery Safety Program in Juneau, WI coming up this February.

Although both State and federal laws prohibit youth under 16 from performing hazardous work on a farm and driving tractors on public roadways without proper training, this training encourages children ages 12 and older to join in the heavy machinery and hard labor fun!

According to the Beaver Dam Daily Citizen (haha, Beaver...it never gets old!) the program meets the state and federal requirements for ~~being a hillbilly~~ driving a tractor, though, so I guess everyone wins. (Especially your children forced into labor at age twelve.)

There will be three Saturday sessions (Feb. 6, 13 and 20) with classroom instruction (and I hope some sort of hands-on training, for the love of God) at the Dodge County Administration Building Auditorium.

To register, please ensure that you have at least ten teeth in your mouth and can speak English fluently (literacy and U.S. citizenship optional).

You Might Be from Wisconsin If...

2009-12-08T09:27:00.000-08:00

You laugh aloud every time you have to hear about the rest of America's dramatically stated, yet completely misguided concepts of "cold" or "winter."

Iraqi detainees cheering for Favre this football season????

2009-12-07T14:16:00.000-08:00

"They know Favre by name," said First Lieutenant Tim Boehnen of New Richmond, Wisconsin, about Iraqi security detainees being guarded by a group of Sconnies in Baghdad.

It all started when a brave and patriotic group of Midwestern Refugees, soldiers from Kenosha, Wisconsin's Company B, 257th Brigade Support Battalion started repping the Green and Gold during Packer season this year in their camp.

Apparently, these Packer fans put up GB football decorations, and ever since, a number of Iraqi security detainees have been using the Brett Favre-Packers saga as a manner of pissing off the Sconnie troops that guard them at the camp.

Detainees at Camp in Iraq Use Favre To Tease Wisconsin Soldiers

That camp being, Camp Cropper Theater Internment Facility in Baghdad. Camp Cropper is a holding facility for security detainees operated by the U.S. Army and currently has a capacity of holding up to 2,000 detainees.

FUN FACT: Former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein was held at Camp Cropper before his execution. Wowee!!!!

Anyway, so there's an entire group of Sconnies living and working together (pictured above) in a Baghdad detainee camp during this year's football season. They are away from home. They are young men and possibly women. One may infer that they are of the competitive nature, being troops serving our country at war and all. What I'm trying to say is, I'm willing to bet that these Sconnies are huge Packer fans.

HUGE Packer fans. Of course they want to decorate their camp with Packer gear! And why shouldn't they? It's probably one of the most comforting thing they have right now, especially during the holidays. The Green Bay Packers are a Midwestern Refugee's comfort blanket when everything else falls by the wayside, and these soldiers are the ultimate Midwestern Refugees. To. The. Max.

Back to the story.

According to a military official, the trickier of these Iraqi detainees at Wisconsin National Guard Camp Cropper are using that #4 as a manner of annoying the Packer Backers who guard them day in day out.

Says First Lieutenant Tim Boehnen of New Richmond, Wisconsin, "We spend a lot of time painting and making our compound our own...Obviously, wherever Wisconsinites go, we bring the Packers with us," spoken like a true Wisconsinite.

But apparently once the decorations went up, the Iraqi detainees became curious

SIDE NOTE: Can you blame these detainees for their curiosity?? Packer fans are crazy! Our men sit at Lambeau in negative wind chill weather with painted naked chests. Our women endure physical and mental training so as to not go into labor until after the game. We act like Vince Lombardi is our blood relative and talk about football as if we invented the sport!

I'm sure these Iraqi detainees were thinking to themselves, "What the fuck are these crazy white boys painting with green and yellow paint? Who is this 'Favre' person and what the fuck is 'Minnesota'? It sounds like something evil. We should probably support it. Hey, Mohammad - why is that soldier over there crying in the corner and clutching that green and yellow blanket? We should probably make fun of him."

But all kidding aside, apparently the perceptive detainees started absorbing and understanding all of the pride that their captors had in the Packers.

"They'll hear guards talking about it, and then they pick up a lot of stuff from that, too," said Boehnen. "They're very crafty. They learn different stuff from different ways."

It wasn't too long before they started figuring out the drama.

"They soon learned about Favre going to the Vikings, and things just started going downhill from there."

"One of the big words they know now is shenanigan," continued Boehnen, "They'll constantly talk about 'Favre shenanigans,' 'He's so good for the Vikings,' and 'The Packers have got to really feel bad about that one.'"

Contgratulations, Minnesota, you've now got the Iraqi detainees at Camp Cropper talking shit to ~~Packer fans~~ U.S. troops in Baghdad on your behalf.

That probably feels good. So wholesome and all-American.

I bet Brett Favre never thought he'd be used as a psychological weapon of mass destruction against U.S. Troops in the Iraq War when he traded to the Vikings!

Way to go, Brent!!!!

MACKINACK: Filmed by a Midwestern Refugee

2009-12-07T12:12:00.000-08:00

This is dedicated to all the Midwestern Refugees who are away from home this holiday season.

For those in need of a little bit of landscape eye candy of the Good Land - this is for you.

Many thanks to the talented and handsome Midwestern Refugee (NY Chapter) Brendan Russell for putting this together.

Speaking of the economic recession...

2009-12-03T15:10:00.000-08:00

Looks like the financial crisis is hitting Old World Third Street in Milwaukee harder than we all thought...because, according to this flier I received via email today, Mader's Restaurant is accepting actual GOLD over money and credit these days!

Go ahead, click on the picture and read what the flier has to say for yourself. It's kind of like those weird 'Cash for Gold' commercials...but at Mader's.

I know.

And may I just reiterate: YIKES.

You might be from Wisconsin if...

2009-12-03T14:47:00.000-08:00

You were delighted to get a miniature snow shovel for your 3rd birthday.

JOKE: A Winter Statistic

2009-12-03T14:43:00.000-08:00

Ninety-eight percent of Americans say "OH SHIT!" before careening into the ditch on a slippery winter road.

The other two percent are from Wisconsin and say, "Hold my beer and watch this."

Thanks to my Midwestern Refugee of an Aunt for this joke - it's a funny one! But let's all try to keep in mind that drunk driving is actually not so much of a joke, so be safe out there everyone. It's slippery on those winter roads!

I mean, I knew the job market was bad and all...

2009-12-03T12:00:00.000-08:00

But I didn't realize things had gotten so bad in Milwaukee that this dude here has to walk around in the freezing cold streets in a suit and a sandwich board that says "JOB WANTED."

Yikes.

CNN - It's definitely a sign of the times. In Milwaukee, Wisconsin, one man is looking for a job by advertising on a sandwich board.

Justin Scholz graduated from UW-Whitewater in May and said he has sent out about 100 resumes with no luck.

Scholz said he decided to try this tactic after seeing a video of a guy in London doing it. Now, his luck may be changing.

Scholz said one woman actually stopped traffic to get his resume. As you may have guessed, Scholz's degree is in advertising.

Old SF queen can't shake Wisconsin Green Bay Packer roots

2009-11-25T09:58:00.000-08:00

The man you see here made my day this morning. And I'm going to tell you why. But first, let me bring you up to speed.

The man you see pictured above, I paparazzied one sunny Sunday afternoon in a neighborhood bar that we like to go to for the NFL games. It's a quaint little Irish Pub that, although it does not serve food, it does run on the policy of BYOF, or Bring Your Own Food, which is nice. And they charge a decent price for a decent pour. Good people. Like the above Packer fan who I've encountered, yet never spoken to, at the bar many a Sunday during football season since I moved to San Francisco.

More about how this man completely MADE MY DAY after the jump...

Spoiler alert: I will be talking briefly about "gay" stuff. Don't worry, it's rated G. But if rated G gay talk offends you, shove it up your ass.

Now not to get all "gay" on you or anything...but I'm pretty sure he's gay. I haven't specifically asked him or anything, but after living in SF for almost three years, I'd like to think I can spot an old queen when I see one. Furthermore, I live about a ten minute walk from the Castro District, which is known, in some circles, as one of the best places around to go clubbing. Are we all on the same page here? San Francisco is pretty gay. There, I said it. Let's move past it.

Unbeknown to him, this guy has become a staple to me on Sundays, especially during bigger Packer games such as division rivals, or when the Packers play the Cowboys...ya know, big games. Because that's when he gets extra-vocal. This dude is NOT afraid to yell at the screen, pound his fist on the bar, screech and holler...he is a HARD CORE PACKER FAN. (Which is why you should never, ever judge a book by its cover. That was your lesson for the day. You're welcome.)

He's hilarious and obnoxious at the same time. That's just how he rolls. Did I mention he comes alone every time? Just sits at the bar, faces the big screen, and nervously watches each game while drinking lite beer. I don't even think he blinks. Back when #4 used to play for a real team, this guy would holler over and over again, at the top of his lungs, "c'mon FAVRRRRIEEEE!" In a decidedly pirate-like manner.

It's kind of funny to watch the other patrons react to him, too. Because you know, people here in San Francisco are totally used to a gay man screaming excitedly in public about one thing or another (large LBGT community, remember?).

In fact, for those of us who chose to move to this fine city, the hilarious, friendly, and fabulous LBGT community was probably a deciding factor for choosing San Francisco in the first place! I mean, let's be real here: we knew what we were signing up for.

But I'd dare to wager that, even in San Francisco, the crowd at a Sunday afternoon sports bar during football season doesn't normally envision bumping elbows with someone like my guy here. He is a super-fan of a caliber not seen in many circles even in San Francisco, let alone a BW3's on South 108th Street in West Allis.

But I haven't been seeing him around the bar much these days. Just once this season, which is where I managed to snipe this photo.

You can take the girl out of Wisconsin, but you can't take the Wisconsin out of the girl.

But the point of the story is, he really made my morning today.

It's the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, so naturally I woke up and put on my 80s crew-neck little boy's size Packer sweatshirt. Naturally. I'm out of state - away from Wisco this year for the holidays. I have to represent.

And who are we kidding, it's festive! The Packer/Lion game is a Thanksgiving tradition, and by wearing my Green Bay sweatshirt I feel as though I'm contributing to the celebratory nature of the holiday for every single football fan I encounter today. (You're welcome, football fans I have already and will encounter later today.)

So anyway, I leave my apartment for work, and as I'm waiting to cross the street at a stop light, I hear the call of an emphatic, proud fan as he shuffles quickly by in the morning hustle.

"GO PYACK!" he yells, staring me square in the eyes.

So strong. So decisive. Staring into my soul. Go Pack or go home.

Our eyes lock. Time pauses for a moment. I can hear my heart beating in my eardrums.

And then, as if in slow motion, the world comes back to speed, and I watch frozen as he continues along his merry way. It is only then that I finally manage to choke out a reply. But he is already out of earshot.

"Go Pack," I whisper, as he swivels his skinny butt down the sidewalk under the brisk morning sunlight.

And then he was gone.

Now THAT is one hell of a Midwestern Refugee!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Well, at least binge drinking is down in Wisconsin. Oh wait, NOT IT'S NOT!

2009-11-20T17:54:00.000-08:00

Does that icy-cold beer-shaped Wisconsin look thirst-quenchingly delicious to anybody else? I feel like a Midwestern Homer Simpson right now. Mmm, BeerSconsin...drools...

Over the past month, public drunkenness, drunk driving, political scandal, and other shenanigans have made headlines in newspapers as the alcohol consumption in Wisconsin continues to rage.

Headlines such as 'Assembly's Jeff Wood arrested again for OWI' don't exactly read well, now do they?

Jeff Wood is the Republican state assembly representative out of Chippewa Falls, WI (if that town rings a bell to women in their 20s it's because that's where Jack Dawson from the epic film Titanic was born, nbd), and this is his FOURTH drunk driving arrest in the past year.

He's also been arrested for possession of marijuana within the past year which for Wisconsin, is kind of like being caught by a white neo-nazi cop with a gay black dick in your ass...in Mississippi.

Yikes.

And that's only his fourth. The worst thing that's gonna happen to this guy is he'll lose his job. (Shocked that he hasn't been fired already??) He's not even going to get a felony charge because in Wisconsin, you need to get five OWI's to be considered a drunk driving felon. And Assemblyman Wood here only has four. Yeah. Only.

So many drunk Wisconsin headlines...

How about this one: 'Mother charged with homicide in infant co-sleeping death.' They make is sound so innocently tragic.

Well, it is tragic. The mother, Rose Prescott (pictured left in this awesome mugshot), was apparently so drunk that she didn't remember putting her 6-day-old daughter Ceianna Buchanan to sleep on a couch. Ms. Prescott was so drunk that she then supposedly passed out on said couch, and ended up suffocating and eventually killing her little baby Ceianna.

It's so sad, but the weirdest thing about this situation is that this isn't the first time something like this has happened to Ms. Prescott. In fact, it's not even the second time!

In 2008, her two month old daughter Brianna died while the two were sleeping together.

And to further weird you out, Ceianna and Brianna's 5-month-old half-sister, Cierra Buchanan, died while co-sleeping with Cierra's grandmother back in 1993.

So I guess it runs in the family.

OK, well if that seriously depressed you, step back from the cliff because this is more of a jovial binge drinking headline. (And you didn't think there was such a thing!)

This Sheboygan (go figure) man, Ian A. Baker, 23, apparently has a fourth OWI pending right now, which entails him to go into court and get a Breathalyzer every day, or something to that effect. Ya know.

But now, he's facing a new charge. Baker came to his court-ordered intoxicated driver intervention program and blew a blood-alcohol level of 0.07 on a breath test.

OK - Here's where it gets good:

He then denied drinking any alcohol and blamed the test result on eating a Jack Daniels steak the night before.

That's right, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Baker here thought that going with the old Jack Daniels Steak Excuse would be a viable option. He had so many Tennessee whiskey steaks that night that his friends probably had to take his keys away! Man, I mean I like drinking beer and all, but I just can't get enough of that STEAK drunk - there's nothing else like it! Some people like a good tequila buzz, but me? I prefer getting straight up hammered on whiskey steak. What're you drinking? Whiskey rocks? Neat? Aw, that's cute. Not me, though, I'm sticking to whiskey STEAK tonight. Can't mix my drinks either - that would be irresponsible. I got court in the morning.

Shockingly enough, the court didn't buy his story, because Mr. Baker was immediately charged with misdemeanor bail jumping, which carries a maximum penalty of nine months in jail.

I'll give him a C- for effort, and A+++ for hilarity on that stunt.

But don't worry folks - the Wisconsin State Senate is on it!

They smell a problem (smells like Schlitz and Slim Jim vomit) and they're here to solve it.

Because nobody likes to see those pesky headlines like, 'Man accused of 9th OWI' in the paper day after hungover day.

"Not on our watch," they slur and mumble to each other over six or seven rounds of brandy old-fashioneds before driving home willy-nilly to their families.

But seriously, the bill approved by the Senate mirrors a recent Assembly bill in many ways. Both would:

• Make a fourth offense a felony if it occurs within five years of a previous offense. Now, drunken driving isn't a felony until the fifth offense.

• Require ignition interlocks for all repeat drunken drivers and for first-time offenders with blood-alcohol levels of 0.15 or greater - nearly twice the legal limit for driving. Ignition interlocks don't allow vehicles to start until drivers can show they don't have alcohol in their system by blowing into a device similar to a Breathalyzer.

• Make first-offense drunken driving a misdemeanor if a child younger than 16 is in the vehicle. Wisconsin is the only state to treat first offenses as traffic tickets, rather than crimes. The provision wouldn't affect punishments for those with two or more offenses if they were caught driving with a child in the vehicle.

• Eliminate a provision that provides lighter penalties for those with a blood-alcohol level between 0.08 and 0.10, compared with those above 0.10. Those with lower blood-alcohol levels would face the same penalties as those of 0.10 or above.

State policy specialist Frank Harris praised senators for their efforts.

"It will put Wisconsin on the right track to becoming no longer the worst in the nation on drunken driving," he said. "It will help save lives and reform Wisconsin's lackadaisical laws."

Looks like an era is coming to an end in Wisconsin people! Like it or not, pretty soon you will no longer be able to drive home from the bar after twelve-ish Jager bombs.

And that just might be a good thing. We'll just have to wait and see.

Most awkward moment in NFL history award goes to...

2009-11-20T14:28:00.000-08:00

Brett Favre after "his" VikeQueens sadly beat the Pack at Lambeau a few weeks ago. Look at him! With his purple girly-man uniform on, trying to look Rodgers in the eye without crumbling to the ground on account of his questionable spine. (Is it there? Is it in tact? Has it eroded? Did it run off with Jon Gosselin's spine?)

Anyway, at least this guy knows how to keep it real:

It's really true what they say - a picture is worth one thousand FUCK YOU BRETT FAVRES!

You might be from Wisconsin if...

2009-11-20T14:04:00.000-08:00

You can (and do) buy all Christmas presents at:

-or-

Hey everyone: GET A LOAD OF THIS DOUCHEBAG!

2009-11-04T19:09:00.000-08:00

What I'm about to say is a little crude, so please don't click the below link if you are easily offended.

You've been warned.

Do you think douchebags like this guy and other Vikings fans who wear a #4 jersey had Brett Favre's dick in their mouths three years ago when Favre was kicking ass for the Packers?!

I don't.

That's what I fucking hate about Minnesota Vikings fans. They'll wear whatever, do whatever, just for the glory. No loyalty to anything. No pride, no allegiance...

They're just bloodsucking, spineless braggarts who are so shamelessly proud of Green Bay's refurbished sloppy seconds.

In fact, they're so pathetic that they've gone out and started worshiping the man as their savior. That was our job! Buying those crisp new purple and white #4 jerseys as though they're the goddamn Shroud of Turin or something.

I mean, what did Favre ever do for the Vikes, really? Beat the Packers twice? Big fucking deal. Fair weather FUCKING fans.

I'll tell you one thing I've come to learn about the term "refurbished" from eBay: Refurbished items always seem all shiny and new in the beginning, but after just a bit they crash and burn, usually at the most crucial time possible. Having absolutely no return policy or warranty whatsoever, this generally means that the owner of said refurbished commodity is Shit Outta Luck.

So, ah...good luck, Vikings fans.

This has been the first season the Vikes have been good in...oh...seven years is it? Eight?

I suppose we'll let you have a little fun with the elder statesman of the League this season. Humor the NFL's bumbling, gray-haired old Grandpa; pass the ball, throw a few more interceptions on the field inside that piece of shit Metrodome, paid for by a monument to American consumerism: the Mall of America.

Because both you and I know this "glorious" season of yours is gonna be short-lived, and then where are the Vikings gonna go? Back to Loserville, where you've been since #4 was just a twinkle in Mike Holmgren's eye.

And because when #4 retires, your team will sink back into oblivion. Why? Because it took the Vikes all these years to beat the Pack. And just how did they go about doing it?

By recruiting one of us!

Jared Allen Explains His Super Awesome Victory Dance to A Blonde Chick.

2009-11-04T14:41:00.000-08:00

If Texas ever secedes from the Union, I hope they make Jared Allen their President.

Beer...the cause and solution to all of life's problems

2009-10-22T08:59:00.000-07:00

Free beer...why not?

You Might Be from MILWAUKEE If...

2009-10-21T13:28:00.000-07:00

The sight of the Jesus Car fills you with enjoyment instead of anxiety.

Jared Allen: I Just Threw Up In My Mouth A Little Bit After Watching This.

2009-10-21T13:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Jared Allen,

I hope your start going bald this season.

Love,

Wisconsin.

Hey everyone: GET A LOAD OF THIS DOUCHEBAG!

2009-10-20T12:11:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone, get a load of this douchebag!

If I had to make the call, this lady definitely wins the White Trash Mommy of the Year Award.

BURLINGTON, Wis. - A mother in Burlington is now charged in connection with the death of her son.

Patricia Strosina is accused of teaching her teenage son how to shoot heroin.

The 16-year old boy died of an overdose on September 14th.

According to the complaint, several people, including a case worker, told an investigator with the Racine County Sheriff's Department that the teenager had been shooting heroin with his mother.

This is just plain sad.

No jokes here.

SARAH PALIN to speak in West Allis...where she belongs

2009-10-20T12:00:00.000-07:00

The former Republican vice-presidential candidate and Alaska governor will appear Nov. 6 at State Fair Park in Stallis.

Wisconsin Right to Life is sponsoring the event, just 11 days before Palin’s memoirs will be released.

Her book Going Rogue was not supposed to come out before next spring, but was moved up to Nov. 17. It’s already a national bestseller on the basis of pre-sales.

Yikes.

You Might Be from Wisconsin If...

2009-10-19T12:11:00.000-07:00

You have the goal of going to Madison for Halloween at least once.

DA BEARS! (sucked last night)

2009-10-19T12:10:00.000-07:00

Dry your eyes, Cutler.

Go put on some Fallout Boy or something.

Geez.

Even the wildlife are alcoholics: BLACK BEAR MAKES BEER RUN UP NORTH

2009-10-19T11:51:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure I saw this in a John Candy movie somewhere...

HAYWARD, Wis. (AP) - Shoppers in a Wisconsin grocery store got an unexpected surprise when a 125-pound black bear wandered inside and headed straight for the beer cooler.

The bear stopped Thursday night at Marketplace Foods in Hayward, about 140 miles northeast of Minneapolis, sauntering through the automatic doors and heading straight for the liquor department.

It calmly climbed up 12 feet onto a shelf in the beer cooler where it sat for about an hour while employees helped evacuate customers and summoned wildlife officials.

So a black bear walks into a bar...

But let's be real for a second - Is it so frigid up there already that even the bears have to get liquored up to stay warm?

I mean, I know it's been a cold October in Wisco this year, but come on!

Was the bear looking for a bottle of brandy to bring with him into hibernation or something?

Poor little guy...all he wanted was someplace warm to suck on a bottle of beer just like the rest of us! He just wanted a little Festivus...a little nipper to throw back when the wind chill drops below zero, like the rest of us.

Hey everyone: GET A LOAD OF THIS DOUCHEBAG!

2009-10-16T12:13:00.000-07:00

EMBED-Drunkest Guy Ever Goes for More Beer - Watch more free videos

Hey everyone, check out this douchebag!

What a freaking amateur.

This was filmed in a store in New York.

This guys is obviously NOT from Wisconsin for the following reasons:

a) He's a total tool
b) He's buying Budweiser
c) He can't hold his booze
d) He left WITHOUT the beer
e) He's not fat enough
f) You're a gimp

"You know what you can do with your pop quiz?!?!

(loud airplane noises ensue as a plane flies over the two, making Garth's rant inaudible)

"...until the handle breaks off and you have to call somebody to get it put back together again.

"Kiss your mother with that mouth?? I'm outta here...DAMIAN!

...................................................

Whoa, sorry...I kinda blacked out there for a minute.

Anyway, that video was...interesting. At first I thought he was joking. I'm like, Dude, just stand up already. Are you wearing ballet slippers or something? Is the floor made of Teflon? I really thought he was milking that for all it was worth.

But then after those other guys had to come haul him up off the ground...I dunno. I guess he was just that drunk.

Fuckin' amateurs.

SHOCKED: Wisconsin cow is World Dairy Expo’s supreme champion

2009-10-13T16:26:00.000-07:00

This is Harvue Roy Frosty of Rudolph, Wisconsin, a five year-old Holstein with a heart of gold.

A few things:

Why is the cow's tail groomed to look like a French poodle? Whoever teased that cow's tail is welcome to come over and do my hair ANYTIME. Seriously. How can a cow's tail get so much more body and hold than my hair? My, human, hair?
Is anybody else completely creeped out by its udder? Don't get me wrong, I've milked my fair share of cows before (at the Milwaukee County Zoo), but for some reason the thought of touching this cow's udder seems...I dunno...dirty to me or something. Look at it! This cow should have won the Largest Set of Supreme Balls Award or something. Jesus.
What's the deal with the skin and bones look? Did the cow swallow a tripod or something? Is the photo airbrushed so that the cow looks super-skinny for some celebrity cow magazine cover??
Why is the winner of this contest called the "supreme champion"? What did the cow have to do to achieve this title? Cage fight other livestock until there was just one left standing? It makes the cow sound like it's some sort of intergalactic bovine champion from the future. And that's cool. I'm cool with that.
I wonder if Indian people are outraged by all this. "The supreme champion of all cows and what do they do to it?! They parade it around like some object, then they rape it of its resources and eventually kill it and eat it! Those American bastards."

Anyway, are we shocked that the supreme cow of all the galaxies just happens to be from Wisconsin?

Absolutely not. No. Not at all.

You Might Be from Wisconsin If...

2009-10-13T13:56:00.000-07:00

You've had to go trick or treating in your snowsuit.

You Might Be from MILWAUKEE If...

2009-10-13T13:54:00.000-07:00

You've gone out to the suburbs to go trick or treating.

Drunk Sheboygan trash strips, kicks cop in balls in front of her kids to avoid arrest for stealing beef jerkey from a gas station. Wait, it gets better...

2009-10-13T12:11:00.000-07:00

SHEBOYGAN, WI - For classy lady 36 year-old Julia Laack, last Thursday afternoon was just another ordinary drunken day in her trashy, pathetic life.

Wasted, Ms. Laack decided to hop in the car and drive to the gas station, God knows why.

According to the gas station attendant, she stole a bag of beef jerky and a lighter from the convenience store there. Attendant calls police, police show up at Laack's home.

Now this is where it gets AWESOME.

According to the Associated Press:

"She refused to come to the door and began screaming and swearing at three children in her house, telling one that the incident was all his fault.

"Police entered and tried to calm her down. With her children present, the complaint said, she stripped to her underwear and told the officers they couldn't arrest her because she would be naked.

"Laack struggled with the officers as they tried to arrest her, the complaint alleged, kicking one in the groin and spitting in the mouth of another.

"While in the squad car on the way to the police station, the complaint said, Laack exposed her buttocks against the rear window.

"The complaint said Laack had a preliminary blood-alcohol level of 0.112 percent. The legal blood-alcohol limit for driving is 0.08 percent.

So what you're saying here is, this drunk lady:

Stole some trailer trash bullshit from a Sheboygan gas station convenience store,
Drove drunk back home where she
Blamed it all on one of the kids (????)
Stripped down to her likely disgusting undergarments in front of her kids and the police
Kicked one cop in the nuts and then
Spit in the mouth of another cop, all before she
Mooned the whole neighborhood????

REALLY?!?!?!?!

I think we all learned a little something from Julia Laack today.

Lakefront Brewery hosts an all-Wisconsin beer dinner...mmmmm drools on keyboard...

2009-10-13T10:06:00.000-07:00

Hey, um, this looks AMAZING.

Do you like food?
How about beer?
Do you live in Milwaukee? Thereabouts?

Well, if you're free next Wednesday and have an extra $52, you're in luck.

I only wish I could be there to enjoy it with you...

FIVE COURSE DINNER PLUS ALL THE BEERS A GIRL COULD ASK FOR AT TESS RESTAURANT?!?! MILWAUKEE REALLY IS THE GOOD LAND.

Sighhhhh...

Just in case you weren't awesome enough with your first WiSKULLSiN shirt...

2009-10-13T09:15:00.000-07:00

They've made another one!

¡gooooooal! check it. three stripes of greater increasing quality. pure beauty. wearing the AWESOME SPORTS! shirt will make cute mexican girls want to get next to you.

And there you have it. Click here for more info.

P.S. - THEY ALSO COME IN RED RED, JUST IN TIME FOR BADGER SEASON!

You Might Be from Wisconsin If...

2009-10-09T15:49:00.000-07:00

You think that the start of deer season is a national holiday.

OMFG again, you guys!!!! Miss Wisconsin USA just accepted my friendship request on Facebook!!!!

2009-10-09T15:38:00.000-07:00

Yeah, so me and my new BFF Courtney Lopez (AKA Miss Wisconsin USA 2009) have, like, so much in common, you guys!

We're both from Wisconsin.

We're both super hot.

We both love dancing, modeling, pageants, and working out.

We love ALL types of music :)

AND our favorite TV show is Keeping Up with the Kardashians!

oh. em. gee.

Can you believe it??

Court is, like, so awesome...

I mean, I just know she's gonna win first place at the Miss USA Pageant and then we'll hang out with Chase Crawford every single night.

Jealous????

Mwahahahaha!

DECISION 2009: New Wisconsin license plate!

2009-10-09T15:12:00.000-07:00

OMFG you guys!!!! Can you even believe it?!?! I know!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you hurry your fat Midwestern asses up and get to Wisconsin's Department of Natural Resources website (could I have made this link any bigger for you?) before October 19, 2009, YOU! can vote on which design will be inducted into the elite group of Wisconsin license plates. Ahhh, Wisconsin license plates...

We've got the TRUCK PLATE:

The PACKER PLATE:

The CHILDREN'S PLATE (proceeds go to charity):

The FIREFIGHTER'S PLATE:

The SESQUICENTENNIAL PLATE:

The STANDARD PLATE:

And finally, the WOLF PLATE (proceeds to charity for endangered species):

Which brings us to our election today.

We've GOT to choose the right plate to represent the endangered animals of Wisconsin! This is democracy in action, people. And you need to step it up and take your God-given right as an internet user for its full advantage. ROCK THE VOTE!

According to JSOnline, those four plate designs really accentuate diversity of wildlife present in Wisconsin.

Really ? ? Diversity ? ? ? All I see is three birds and a badger.

Geez, that's rough.

Either way, like the Wolf Plate, proceeds will go to endangered species, so what the hell. Vote for one of them.

EVERY VOTE COUNTS!

POLITICS: Wisconsin lawmakers considering passing law to stop children under the age of 18 from drinking in bars. Lame.

2009-10-09T14:13:00.000-07:00

Did you know that in Wisconsin, it is completely legal for a child of any age to drink alcohol in any bar?

There are just three conditions:

The parents are present
The parents give permission, and
The bartender is willing to serve them.

And now some hoity-toity big-shots down in Madison are trying to take that away from us!

According to the Associated Press,

"A state Senate committee on Tuesday passed a bill that would set the minimum age at 18. The current legal drinking age is 21. An identical bill in the Assembly remains in committee."

I love how AP had to clarify to the readers that in the state of Wisconsin the legal drinking age is 21. That's priceless. What do the states outside of the Midwest think goes on in Wisconsin? Bottle feeding MGD to our infants in place of formula? Rum & Coke flavored ice cream at our frozen yogurt stands??

The Associated Press goes on to say that

"Supporters of changing the law include the Tavern League of Wisconsin, Wisconsin Police Chiefs, the Wisconsin Medical Society and the Wisconsin Public Health Association."

The Tavern League of Wisconsin???? You mean the lobby group protecting all the bars in Wisconsin????

And the Wisconsin Police Chiefs? Aren't most of them drunks anyway???

Wow...looks like this bill just might pass into law...

And Wisconsin may just move into the 21st Century with the rest of America.

Bizarre.

Feline Packer Backers!

2009-10-07T16:17:00.000-07:00

This might be the cutest video I've ever seen.

I think it's about time I got myself a little Packer Backer...

Jared Allen: You're Everything that is Wrong With Humanity

2009-10-07T11:10:00.000-07:00

Dear Jared Allen,

I bet you look real pretty behind the wheel of that bubble gum pink convertible car you drive.

Love,
Wisconsin

P.S. You sure know how to manhandle that meat like a pro.

Jared Allen Is a Monstrous Douchebag Who Don't Talk English Real Good Like Yall

2009-10-06T14:57:00.000-07:00

Dear Jared Allen,

Not only are you a monstrous douchebag, you can barely speak English. Where did you go to school again? Tool Academy? The University of Southern Douchebag? Wherever you went, it's apparent that your major was not English.

In fact, is English even your first language? Or did you grow up speaking some hillbilly dialect like in the movie Nell that your parents taught you while living in isolation in the backwoods of Texas? Were you even raised by humans, you ugly fuck?

Well, Jared, let me spell something out for you. Schism is not a type of STD, you stupid piece of shit. Although now that you mention it, I wouldn't mind if you caught a nasty case of the schisms and had to be benched for the rest of...eternity... But I digress.

Schism: (n.) A division of a group into opposing factions. A division or disunion, esp. into mutually opposed parties.

As in, If you thought the schism between Packers and Vikings fans was huge, wait until Jared Allen starts up with his stupid cattle roping victory dance again this season. What an ugly, piece of shit douchebag that guy is. I hope he chokes on his cowboy hat after the Pack beats the shit out of him and his team of Queens at Lambeau.

Love,
Wisconsin

Jared Allen in Camo Plus a Huge Bow vs. One Squirrel.

2009-10-06T11:02:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone, look at this douchebag!

I wonder if he'll hit the squirrel...hmmm...

I wonder if he even needs all that freaking camouflage gear and such a fancy bow to hunt...that squirrel...in the forest.

I think if he were to just show up in the forest with his super intimidating mullet and tribal arm band tattoo and get down on his knees and holler like George of the Jungle as per his usual, most creatures would just roll their eyes, lie down, and play dead, just to appease him and his little hunting TV party he's got going on here.

But instead, he decides to go squirrel bow hunting with an actual bow.

I didn't even know that was a thing. Maybe in whatever inbred trailer he was raised, it was normal to hunt squirrels and then eat them. That's probably why he's so good at putting a hole through a squirrel that is the same size as its head.

But I don't know if he realizes that he now has money, and can buy things like lobsters and, ya know, defenseless little veal chops.

Dear Jared Allen,

Nobody thinks you're a homosexual. You don't have to compensate by hollering like a caveman on the field when you sack a guy.

And you don't have to compensate by wearing a huge belt buckle.

You also don't have to pretend you're not gay by recording all your hunting escapades on video camera as proof that you are super ~~Brokeback~~ manly. We already believe you. Seriously.

Love,
Wisconsin.

URBAN DICTIONARY defines Wisconsin

2009-10-05T09:57:00.000-07:00

Urban Dictionary has defined Wisconsin...fifty-two times.

Some definitions are amazing, some are factual, some are hilarious, and some are awful.

Here are a few excerpts of my favorite definitions of Wisconsin, after the jump...

1. Wisconsin - A state that consumes more alcohol and has a higher people-to-bar ratio (sic) then any other state in the country.

Living in Wisconsin taught me how to replace water with beer.

2. Wisconsin - Where Minnesotans go to buy fireworks and alcohol (on Sundays). The largest fireworks store in Wisconsin is, for some unknown reason, located in a tiny town called Baldwin. I wonder how they stay in business.

After all, Minnesotans would never make the 10 minute drive there and bring back fireworks, that would be illegal.

OK so those guys are pretty tame. Kinda funny. Ya know.

Then there's this guy down here, who thinks he's a travel writer for Wisconsin or something. (Hold on, he very well may be a travel writer from Wisconsin.)

But seriously, this guy takes himself waaaaaay too seriously. Either that, or this is some 6th grader's A paper on the state of Wisconsin.

8. Wisconsin - One of the coolest states around. Located in the upper midwest north of Illinois, east of MN and IA and west and south of Michigan.

In Wisconsin you'll find everything from city life in Milwaukee, Racine, Kenosha, Madison and Green Bay.

Milwaukee is a diverse city famous for its festivals such as Summerfest, Germanfest, Pridefest, Festa Italiana and more. Milwaukee is also known for its beer, the Milwaukee Brewers, the Milwaukee Bucks and the Wisconsin State Fair in West Allis.

Racine (just south of Milwaukee) is home to SC Johnson Wax, lots of shopping and recreation and the beautiful Wind Point area.

Kenosha is home to outlet shopping, electric street cars (a must see for any rail fans), fun yet free lakeshore events and a beautiful lakeshore.

Madison is the capital city. It's also a very well known party city and a great place to shop (State street)

Green Bay is best known for one of the most known football teams in the NFL, the Green Bay Packers.

Other smaller cities in Wisconsin include Wausau (great skiing can be found here at Rib Mountain), La Crosse, Eau Claire, Sheboygan, Oshkosh, and Fond Du Lac.

Wisconsin is nicknamed "America's Dairyland" Much of Wisconsin consists of farming in particular dairy farming. A large amount of America's cheese is produced here. Most counties in Wisconsin have a yearly event called a "Dairy Breakfast" where a dairy farm hosts a breakfast with food, milk/dairy and other fun stuff.

The Baraboo/Dells area is --OK guy are you still talking?! Not to cut you off but GEEZ, we've had enough. This is an URBAN DICTIONARY. Not one part of what you wrote up there was neither URBAN nor DICTIONARY. Although you do sound like a pretty big dick...

Then there's these next few posts. They're weird. It's kinda like a bunch of guys got off Spring Break...in Wisconsin, or something. I'm just confused.

9. Wisconsin - Many girls in Wisconsin wear thongs that are (sic) visiable to the eye. Wisconsin is a great place to have a party or to get laid!

I lost my virginity in Wisconsin.

10. Wisconsin - State where 95% of adults drink, and 97% of the youth does the same. Also, full of the hottest sluts you'll ever see.

16 Year old Wisconsin Girl: I heard this rumor theres a drinking age , and you can't drink unless you're 32.
15 year old Wisconsin Boy: No way. Lets get wasted and fuck.
16 Year old Wisconsin Girl: Ok.

11. Wisconsin - The state where girls drink shit beer better than guys from any other state can drink water...and where we somehow make money exporting the beer we think is too shitty to drink to poor college students in Boston...and then the Wisconsin girls go drink it there!

We drink like we're from Wisconsin, we talk like we're from Jersey, and we fuck like rabbits.

12. Wisconsin - The only place with good beer and people who know how to drink it. Contains hot girls and guys with beer (sic) bellys. Places to go... the Dells, the Lake, Summerfest, and Stallis (j/k)There's lots of trailer parks and lots of homeless drunks. People do know how to drive!!!!! The best damn cheese on this side of the Mississippi! Milwaukee is of course the best city, only to be followed by Mad-town where people get very drunk every day. The cops suck and they're everywhere. And if you're black or a drug addict they beat you or force you to do sexual acts...Read the Journal. Also home of the Guffs, only one of the greatest bands to play Summerfest every year. Alpine rocks. There's also good beer and good brats, but I don't like those. Everyone born and raised in Wisconsin knows how to a. drink a lot a pass out b. do a 1 min or longer keg stand c. tip cows d. fuck fatties. We also say "eh" and "der"

person 1 "hey what are you doing tonight?"
person 2 " I don't know I just picked up a case of miller"
person 1 " lets go get drunk and fuck"
few beers later
person 1 "we can go to dat der festival by the lake"
person 2 "lets hang out by the rocks and smoke pot, then we'll find some hotties to make out with"
person 1 "eh"

I can't even tell if they're joking or serious. Especially that last guy. I mean, he is either one of two things: (1) a huge Wisconsin douchebag (you know all know who I'm talking about, and if you don't you ARE that douchebag), or (2) Pat Kuhnmuench on a good night. No, just kidding. I mean, he's either the d-bag, or playing the part very well. And is very, very funny. Regardless, hats off to that guy because he hit the nail on the head with that post.

About this next one...I've never heard of anybody referring to Wisconsin as "Minnesota Junior" before this. Also, I think he's from Iowa, which I guess would make sense, since Minnesotans are constantly ripping on Iowans.

15. Wisconsin - An awesome state that is a paradise for outdoorsmen and city dwellers alike. It is illogical to call it "Minnesota Junior," being that it has a larger population than Minnesota by over 400,000. Madison rocks, it's easily the coolest state capitol and has one of the sweetest colleges in the country. Milwaukee offers all the amenities of a metropolis without being as much of a black hole for state resources like the Twin Cities or Chicago. Hurray for my northeastern neighbor Wisconsin.

While it is possible that Wisconsin is the best state in the Midwest, the Hawkeyes will always be better than the Badgers.

Hm. Ok, Guy, whatever you say. But Bucky is undefeated right now, not sure about the Hawkeyes.

At least he used the word 'Wisconsin' in the example sentence at the end. Unlike this next weirdo:

16. Wisconsin - Better schools than all you other stupid people in our country. Better state than Illinois. Oh, there really is cheese that tastes like ass, but no one eats it except old people. Home of the Green Bay Packers. People in Cancun like the Packers. Wisconsin is the best! We rock! Oh, we also have more people with "Canadian" accents than in Canada. Actually, it is just people who say "eh." Canadians (sic) dont say that, Wisconsinites do.

Cheese head!

Well you know, folks, he's right. This guy really knows his shit. There really is cheese that tastes like ass. And really, nobody eats it except old people. Truer words were never written. I just don't know why I didn't commit them to paper first.

This next guy has obviously been through, or needs to seek, a degree of therapy for his issues dealing with an apparent inferiority complex regarding a certain Wisconsin stereotype. Now, this is a Wisconsin stereotype that I think every Wisconsinite has had to deal with once or twice (or 5 million times) throughout their lifetime. I'll call it the Farm Stereotype. The Farm Stereotype generally rears its ugly head when a Sconnie is out of state; usually on vacation in Destin, Florida, or Chicago.

The Farm Stereotype consists of the following assumption: because we are from Wisconsin, we (a) live on a farm, (b) live with 365 day-a-year snowfall, and/or (c) raise dairy cows for profit. Most of us laugh it off, but not the lady or gentleman who wrote the eighteenth urban definition of 'Wisconsin' my friends. Not #18.

18. Wisconsin - Wisconsin is an awesome place to live. I know most people say they have good beer but that doesn't mean that they drink it too much. The Packers aren't so great but that doesn't mean that Wisconsinites are the same. Not everyone lives of a farm!!! There are many people who own homes but live the suburbs and don't own farms. There are also people who own farms but there is nothing wrong with that right!? Milwaukee is great! WISCONSIN IS AWESOME BIATCHES!
"Hey thats a nice house! Love the subdivision! Lets move here in Wisconsin instead of just coming for vacation!"

Poor guy. I just hope he gets the help he needs.

And this guy is just silly and nonsensical:

28. Wisconsin - THE MOST UNDER-APPRECIATED STATE IN THE U.S.A! We make the cheese and the milk AND THE CREAM PUFFS! yea so our state has the most swine flu cases, and the streets aren't (sic) nessicaraly "safe" But its an amazing state. the Jonas Brothers (sic) Favorite State to come to on tour!

Wisconsin is ghetto and unsafe, but i wouldn't have it any other way

Then, it starts getting ugly toward the end. (Legal to hunt cats?!?! Say whaaa???)

38. Wisconsin - A place where it's becoming legal to shoot cats.

Y'all been up to the northerner parts? Somewhere left a the great lakes is a great place where you can get some GOOD HUNTIN... they even letcha kill the cats!

36. Wisconsin - A state in the (sic) midwest. The only state left that offers fine dining in a gas station. A safe place for the elderly and blind to drive. Townies rarely drive faster than 35 mph because they are trying to finish their beer without spilling. Wisconsin is also known to have a hate/hate relationship with both MN and IL. However, MN and IL bond over a common dislike of Wisconsin. Most visitors really enjoy the exits on both the right and left sides of the high way. In a recent poll, 99.9% of out-of- town drivers really love switiching lanes in a panic. People generally like Wisconsin as long as they're not driving.

"Illinois really wants to high five Wisconsin, but they're worried that Wisconsin didn't wash their hands after using the bathroom."

48. Wisconsin

1) A state where watching grass grow could be considered an actual sport.

2) Most glorified dairy products on the planet.

3) The state that you DON'T want to live in.

4) A place where people think that just because the Pack won the first Super Bowl that they have the greatest team every season. (COUGH 4-12 COUGH)

5) A state that has an endless amount of dumbass Indian-named cities that has a 2-year learning curve to be able to pronounce the names correctly.

6) Has some of the highest taxes in the country for no particular reason at all.

7) Rednecks who hate gays are everywhere, but somehow it's a blue state every election.

Example 1: Wisconsin is Minnesota's bitch.
Example 2: Wisconsin, the only state where absolutely nothing happens.
Example 3: Wisconsin's only pride and joy is it's ridiculous abundance of alcohol.

51. Wisconsin - A state who's residents couldn't drive right if their life depended on it. Wisconsinites can't drive worth shit. (sic) Ilinois drivers are the best! Wisconsin drivers are overly cautious to the point where they cause accidents. You have to be aggressive like Chicago drivers.

"That idiot acts like he doesn't understand the concept of a 4-way stop." "He must be from Wisconsin." "Well, I'll be damned, he has a Wisconsin license plate." "That dickhead!" "Chicago drivers Rock!"

Oh, you're from Illinois? I couldn't tell from your Fucking Illinois Bastard stench. I could smell it all the way from March of 2005 when you posted that lame ass shit. It's even worse than the Minnesotan post above it. At least the MN post is remotely funny and encourages an atmosphere of banter.

This chick, on the other hand, is a douchebag and ended her post with "Chicago drivers Rock!" Yes, Rock...with a capitol R. Is that all she could come up with?? Ouch, that one hurt. Hold on while I pull your knife out of my back, fellow Midwesterner.

And, she doesn't even know how to spell Illinois. Are you even from Illinois, "Britt"? If that is your real name...

And the final post, the fifty-second Urban Dictionary definition of Wisconsin, is short and to the point:

52. Wisconsin - Their cheese tastes like ass.

Don't eat their cheese.

And that's all she wrote, ladies and gentlemen. That's all she wrote.

Fucking weirdos.

COMING SOON TO A FOOTBALL STADIUM NEAR YOU: Confessions of an NFL QB Drama Queen

2009-10-05T08:23:00.000-07:00

Thanks to D for this one.

You Might Be from Wisconsin If...

2009-10-02T09:55:00.000-07:00

You have driven your car on a lake.

A RANT: Cancer Sucks

2009-10-02T09:34:00.000-07:00

This transcends geography. It's an international issue.

Also, I generally like Lewis Black.

You Might Be from Wisconsin If...

2009-10-01T12:22:00.000-07:00

The Packers will always be better than the Vikings, no matter what the standings are.

Look on the bright side...

2009-09-30T15:29:00.000-07:00

Hey, at least he's not Michael Vick!

MUSIC VIDEO: Aaron Rogers Seems Alright

2009-09-30T11:51:00.000-07:00

JOKE: The Vikings (funny on its own, but keep reading)

2009-09-29T17:11:00.000-07:00

Q: Why do the Vikings wear purple?

A: Because if you'd been choking for more than 40 years, you'd be purple too!

Introducing...Miss Wisconsin 2009

2009-09-29T16:47:00.000-07:00

There she is...Miss Wisconsin 2009. This picture is from last year at the Miss Teen USA Pageant. I wouldn't kick her out of bed.

Associated Press - September 28, 2009 7:45 PM ET

MIDDLETON, Wis. (AP) - A 19-year-old Oak Creek native has beat out 31 other Wisconsin women in the 2010 Miss Wisconsin-USA pageant.

Courtney Lynn Lopez was crowned Sunday at the Middleton Performing Arts Center.

Lopez, who now lives in Franksville in Racine County, will advance to the 2010 Miss USA pageant on April 18 in Las Vegas.

And all I can say to darling Courtney is...Keep your nose clean, Keep your swimsuit area covered, and Practice how to talk in front of a live audience!

Just please don't be enough of a douchebag that it makes national news.

Oh, and try and touch Donald Trump's hair when he's not looking and report back...I'm really curious about what it feels and looks like up close.

WISCONSIN: Home of Amber Alert Kidnappers, Super Classy

2009-09-29T16:24:00.000-07:00

And why wouldn't it be?

Of course this alleged kidnapper was found in Door County, WI.

And get a load of the guy's mugshot...GEEZ. He must have been working that pose for a while in the mirror of that AmericInn before they picked him up. I mean, buddy, do you have any teeth left, whatsoever?

And did you catch the representative from Daviess County, Kentucky that was chosen to do the press release on behalf of the Daviess County Sheriff's Department? Unbelievable. This guy must have decided to cash in on his fifteen minutes of fame before the cold hand of death pulled him over to the other side.

It's just too bad that I can't understand a single word that comes out of his mouth. But that might just be because I can't stop looking at his ears. I'm worried he's going to catch a breeze and float away...

Anyway, cheers to Wisconsin, who wins the Classiest State Ever Award today.

You Might Be from Wisconsin If...

2009-09-29T12:17:00.000-07:00

You're this guy.

Hey, Look at this Douchebag!

2009-09-29T11:49:00.000-07:00

This is a new segment I like to call: Hey everyone, look at this douchebag!

This cornhole from "West Metro" (if that's even a place) in Minneapolis is trying to sell tickets to the Monday Night Football game at the Metrodome for $800 apiece. What a douche! (Click on the image to read it up close.)

God, that's lame.

That's like paying $800 for a sold out concert, and you don't even know you're going to win.

Whatever.

Fuck Brett Favre.

I gotta go.

P.S. You can tell I'm getting super nervous when I start talking nonsense and then end a sentence with a profane declarative sentence.
P.P.S. The Vikings are a bunch of assholes. Fuck Minnesota.

NEW DRINK: The Wisconsin Lunchbox

2009-09-29T08:34:00.000-07:00

Yes, that's a thing, and there it is, in all it's glory.

The Wisconsin Lunchbox.

Here are the ingredients, try not to barf while you read this:

Miller Lite
OJ
Shot of Amaretto, dropped in like a Jagger bomb

Have you thrown up in your mouth yet?

But apparently they're really good...so I hear...

Holler if you've ever tried one.

You Might Be from Wisconsin If...

2009-09-25T17:03:00.000-07:00

You hear someone use the word "oof-dah" and you don't immediately break into uncontrollable laughter.

You Might Have an Alcohol Problem If...

2009-09-25T12:54:00.000-07:00

*Photos have been censored to protect the victims.

You get kicked out of a bar...

Wait for it...

Come on, you're thinking.

Everyone has had their "rough patches." Everyone gets kicked out of a bar for stupid stuff.

...Like puking directly ON the bar. (Sorry to Andrew and everyone over at RC's for that one.)

...Or starting a fist fight with the manager on duty.

...Or reaching behind the bar to pour your own drink.

Yes, we've all had our moments, it's true.

But...

You may want to reconsider your alcohol"ism" (Ferris Bueller and I don't believe in "isms") when you get kicked out of the bar...

In Milwaukee, WI, where the beer flows like wine. It's like the Great Depression in Milwaukee. Beer prices are like $0.05 a pint everywhere you go. You come home from the bars on a Saturday night, wasted, with more money than when you left. It's incredible.
During a Packer game, when those who aren't drunk are ostracized to the corner of the room and the driver's side of cars. Mostly.
While Brett Favre has recently traded to the Vikings. Most Wisconsinites have been drunk ever since this news has become official anyway. Including the bartenders serving you, the bouncers escorting you out, the police arresting you...
And you're inside of Miller Park at a Brewer game. Our team mascot slides into a huge mug of beer every time we get a home run. So even our mascot is hammered.

Let me recap that for you:

You might want to reconsider your alcoholism if you get kicked out of a bar...

In Milwaukee, WI
During a Packer game
While Favre has recently been traded to the Vikings, and
You're INSIDE OF MILLER PARK

Did you get all that?

Milwaukee can excuse a lot of overt public drunkenness (the whole five DUI felony thing), but you know you're hammered when you get kicked out of Miller Park's TGI Friday's while watching the Packer game during the Brewer game.

In fact, you know you're from Wisconsin when...all that stuff I just said up there.

So please make a note of it: Milwaukee does actually have some sense of limits.

My cousin on the other hand? Not always the case...

Love you CUZ.

Polack drives scooter drunk along Marquette Interchange

2009-09-24T13:20:00.000-07:00

This is Wisco comedy GOLD.

It reaches new levels of absurdity.

And makes me proud to not only be a Wisconsinite, but to also a Polack.

And a drunk. Well, maybe not a drunk.

And maybe not even that proud.

But it is freaking funny.

It's GOLD Jerry! GOLD!

And the crown for the Mr. Wisconsin pageant goes to...

2009-09-23T13:11:00.000-07:00

THIS GUY.

No explanation needed. But here I go anyway...

The Wiskullsin tshirt being worn with pride.

The PBR flowing into his mouth and down his bearded chin sensouously on a hot summer day.

The willingness and complete trust of this perfect stranger to be a part of this blog, not knowing what I was going to write about him.

Thank you, kind Sir.

You have won the title of Mr. Wisconsin for the time being.

That is, until I find a new Mr. Wisconsin to replace you. But I would find that hard to top.

Cheers!

You might be from Wisconsin if...

2009-09-15T11:06:00.000-07:00

You know that the word "combine" is a noun.

Metalocalypse reps Wisco, and I like it

2009-09-14T18:01:00.000-07:00

Pickles the Drummer

Pickles the Drummer plays the drums and was raised in Tomahawk, Wisconsin. He is Irish-American. He speaks with a distinct Wisconsin accent and bears a strong hatred for his older brother, Seth, whom his parents Calvert and Molly always brag about despite his being an ex-con and living above his parents’ garage, among other failings.

I love Metalocalypse. And I love that Pickles the Drummer is from Tomahawk. I love that he's a nervous alcoholic and talks with a Yooper accent. To me, it is freaking hilarious. For those of you who are not familiar with Tomahawk, I have created a map. The green thumbtack is Tomahawk.

As you can see, Tomahawk is a small town near the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, hence the Yooper accent.

For those of you dying to know what a "yooper" is, we'll get to it another day. Until then, please click on the map and study up on your Midwestern geography, because I can't stand it when I tell people I'm from Milwaukee and they say, "oh, Minnesota?" as if they know something.

DON'T BE THAT GUY.

If you'd like to see more of Pickles the Drummer in his native Tomahawk, WI, please watch the episode "Dethwedding." It's absolutely hilarious. Metal meets Wisco. How can you go wrong?

You can watch the episode at here at the Adult Swim website. It's BRUTAL..

Favre Tweets like a grandpa

2009-09-14T16:53:00.000-07:00

For those of you with Twitter accounts, let's play a fun game, shall we? It's called Let's Talk Shit To Brett Favre on Twitter Until His Head Explodes on the Field One Day.

Basically, all you have to do is follow these simple directions every day:

Acquire a Twitter account.
Follow Brett Favre by clicking the link and then clicking the button "FOLLOW" near the top of the screen.
Then, begin each posting you do by typing "@The_Real_Favre" and then "YOU SUCK" or "YOU'RE OLDER THAN MY GRANDPA" or "COMING OUR OF RETIREMENT A THOUSAND TIMES IS APPARENTLY THE NEW BLACK" or whatever cheeky remark you wish.
Then, you wait.

Brett Favre, or someone in his entourage, personally reads all of the tweets he receives, as though they were fan mail. So don't hesitate to really try and get into his head.

If you're lucky, he may even respond to you publicly on his Twitter page like he has to a few other lucky fans. Sadly enough, though, it looks like he only replies to other douchebags and not true Americans like you and I.

Anyway, try it for fun! It'll be good for morale.

And if you think yours is a real gem, let us know what you said. We could all use a little bit of a laugh at old Brent's expense!

You Might Be from Wisconsin If...

2009-09-14T13:24:00.000-07:00

Football schedules are checked before wedding dates are set.

Made for TV Movie: GREG JENNINGS

2009-09-14T13:10:00.000-07:00

WHO WOULD PLAY GREG JENNINGS IN A MADE FOR TV MOVIE:

This cheetah, or

Jesus.

Made for TV Movie: Jay Cutler

2009-09-14T11:58:00.000-07:00

WHO DO YOU THINK WOULD PLAY A BETTER JAY CUTLER IN THE MADE FOR TV MOVIE:

James Van Der Beek, or

Bottom Bear.

You might be from Wisconsin if...

2009-09-04T12:22:00.000-07:00

You can recognize someone from Illinois by their driving.

Brett Favre the Viking plays dirty

2009-09-02T12:40:00.000-07:00

Are we surprised? What a dick. Whose bright idea was this anyway?

Not that I love Texas sports or anything, but to choose between the lesser of two evils, I choose TEXAS baby! And Brett Favre better learn not to mess with Texas...or whatever the hell that stupid t-shirt says.

As was mentioned in Yahoo! Sports by author MJD:

That said, though, even though I've made no secret of my disapproval of Favre's nonsense over the past couple of years, if this were someone else, I'd probably be way more upset about it. I'm not saying that it's okay, of course, but Favre's been a quarterback in the NFL for 83 years and I can't recall a single other incident of dirty play.

I find truth and humor in that.

This is going to be one hell of a season people.

Buckle up.

You Might be from Wisconsin If...

2009-08-30T20:27:00.000-07:00

You are a connoisseur of cheese curds and find anyone unfamiliar with them to be frighteningly foreign.

'Bumpits' thriving in Milwaukee club scene

2009-08-30T20:11:00.000-07:00

Anyway, so I know you've all been seeing these 'Bumpits' on TV and been like, what's the deal? They're like the 'Topsy Tail' of the new millenium.

And you're thinking to yourself,

Should I get one?

Is my hair too flat on the top?

Do I look enough like Amy Winehouse tonight?

No. No, you don't. Nobody ever looks enough like Amy Winehouse. And that's the problem.

But let's be real - 'Bumpits' are totally awesome!

I know this because I saw someone rocking one with my own two eyes at this bar on Water my little brother used to bounce at...and IT...LOOKED...HOT.

I mean, I barely noticed it. Just like I barely notice when a bald dude is wearing a toupee, and nobody wants to look at it, but everyone knows its there.

Ahhh, 'Bumpits'...you're everything I wanted you to be...AND MORE...

Wisconsin police officer stiff-arms douchebag without spilling beer

2009-08-27T11:43:00.000-07:00

You know you're a Wisconsin Cop when...

A. You're at a pub crawl with at least twenty other cops, and

B. You apprehend a perpetrator inside the bar with one hand while not spilling the beer in your other hand.

C. All of the above.

Now, I'm not a huge fan of cops or anything ("Do you smell bacon? Yeah, I definitely smell a pork product of some sort.") ...but this is classic.

So apparently some poor 18-year old kid, some AMATEUR, from Beloit walks into this bar in Janesville (it's Wisconsin, of course you can walk into a bar at age 18!) without realizing that there are like a million off-duty Eau Claire cops on a pub crawl.

That was his first mistake.

The kid walks in, pretends to have a piece on him, and...well, basically this douchebag reaches into his pants like he was grabbing a weapon when two of the police officers stiff-arm and tackle the kid to the ground.

Ha.

Video surveillance shows the would-be robber entering the bar behind four off-duty police officers. When one officer saw him, the officer moved his beer bottle from his right hand to his left hand and shoved him into a table. He then helped a second officer drag the man to the floor and pin him down. The officer never spilled his beer.

I'm not sure if you read that correctly, so let me just reiterate for you:

"The officer moved his beer bottle from his right hand to his left hand and shoved him into a table...the officer never spilled his beer."

Shouldn't an officer with such agility and skill get a promotion for something like that? Maybe not in, say, New Hampshire or somewhere Puritan or something, but in Wisconsin? Sources point to YES.

Regardless, on behalf of the state of Wisconsin, our hats go off to you, Officer.

This is obviously not your first rodeo.

Favre: The made for TV movie

2009-08-25T12:15:00.000-07:00

Who'd you think would play Favre better in the made for TV movie:

JAMES VAN DER BEEK, or

THIS DOG:

You Might Be from Wisconsin If...

2009-08-25T12:01:00.000-07:00

You own at least one cheesehead.